Sorry for maybe going a little bit Allo Allo on you there, but it's taken me a while to process what I witnessed walking back from the pool to my room a few days ago. In fact I am not sure that I should allow myself to think about it even now, but seeing as this forum is turning into a personal physiotherapists couch, what the heck......
Firstly let me explain. There is an Italian lady, who thinks she's a doctor, she might well be, I doubt it, who is 60+ years old and she stays in a bungalow about thirty not enough metres from my front door, right next to the pool here at the Happy Elephant. She comes across to everyone here as being a few coffee beans short of an espresso, definitely losing a few marbles - whenever we see her around the pool she doesn't so much speak English, it's more "Clipped Winged Pigeon English".
Picture an older reasonably attractive in her youth lady - always in a very "Why are you wearing such a skimpy brightly colored bikini at your age" get up - then add to that image a broken right wrist, which is in a cast that is covered in a day glow fluorescent green material - waddling around like a busy body who needs to let one go - always complaining - always making odd gestures with her arms whenever she speaks - the right arm might I add generally seems to be raised in a sort of Nazi style salute - and she always, without fail, whenever someone new arrives at the pool, descends on them, starts "Squawking" a random selection of words like "Steps", "Wood" and "Tummy" (Whilst pointing at her head) in this Italian version of Rene's accent in Allo Allo.
Absolutely bonkers.
I don't know what to say now as I am a little bit scared that she may be hiding in my bathroom.
Anyway. She seems to make a b-line for me every time I go near the pool and I am sure that she winks at me like Anne Robinson as I do so - though generally I look in the opposite direction to wherever I think she may be. She also has an amazing ability to appear out of nowhere, always about two feet away from your right shoulder, it is impossible that she could have been anywhere near you only split seconds before.
Slightly radio rental? One person saw her shampooing her hair in the pool the other morning.
Today, let's not forget that she is a doctor, we think she was asking my friend what she should get at the pharmacy for her upset tummy (yes, saying stomach and tummy - whilst pointing at her head).
She even mentioned how she likes to do volunteer work whenever possible, which didn't surprise me as she always has her hand up.
But the other day something very odd happened. I'd finished my laps in the pool and had a quick scout around to check that the coast was clear as I was too tired too chat to an extra from a real life One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. All clear, mind you it was about five o'clock in the evening - siesta time for the mentally deranged? So I thought I'd quickly scamper the 30 or so paces down the side of the derelict Spa, past the unused, outside, very public shower and back to my room.
No sooner had I turned the corner down the side of the spa, so that I was directly facing the said shower unit, empty, did I then notice a sudden movement, this Italian ladies head popped around the side of the shower cubicle. It just appeared as if by magic. Eyes bright, mouth wide smiling. What the hell is she doing in there I thought..... Then, within less than a split second, there she was, she's leapt out like you would when you would shout "Surpirse" to give someone the shock of there life, only she didn't need to shout surprise, surprised, understatement and a half...... there she was....... all of her, stood in front of me, stark, no-b*llocks naked........ not a single stitch of clothing on..... Oh no I thought........ Oh God..... My eyes lowered instinctively to the ground, away from her mad ones....... affirmitive I thought upon checking again, no sign of her bikini bottoms...... Oh sh*t what is happening......... she was waving her white towel in the air in her left hand..... then my ears started working again, she was screaming "Sorry Sorry, What am I doing? I am naked!!" - No shit Sherlock, what the f*ck are you doing AND yes, you are very very naked AND why on earth are you in a shower that I am sure doesn't work???
Being a gent, I put my hands/arms up to cover my eyes, as you would if you were ever blinded by a flash of light and kept walking; almost into a palm tree..... yet I could still see the towel flapping around like it was caught up in a mini mid air cyclone, she was making not even a slight attempt to cover a single square inch of her body, her boobs were jumping up and down like a pair party jelly's on a power plate and she was hopping from foot to foot as if on hot coals..... It was all happening in slow motion though due to her advancing years - I have never seen anything like it in all my born days....... And then, in the commotion, this woman, who cannot speak a word of English, when asked what the time is for example, started matter-of-factly saying "David David I'm so embarrassed, if I shower in my room, I slip on floor and hurt wrist, slip slip pier".......... I'm replying "Just cover yourself up you crazy bit*h, you are scaring the children that I don't even have yet". She then started whooping and what sounded like an attempt at a sexy yet innocent laugh......
I couldn't credit it, I was now laughing my head off, what the hell has she said pier for, walking at a canter to my room, opened the door and made sure to lock it behind me.
Anyway, that is the mad Italian lady who coincidentally is here with her husband who looks like he's on his third nervous breakdown.
And I've sneaked a photo of her two days later....
It beggars belief, another day passes at The Happy Elephant.
No comments:
Post a Comment